highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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