she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
