I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
