i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
