i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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