There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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