wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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