I skipped work to stalk him.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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