Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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