I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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