I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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