Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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