Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
