I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
where are you?
Hypothermia
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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