I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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