I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
