Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
