fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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