Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
