He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
