He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
