birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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