The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
