Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
