i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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