Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
