Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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