Jerry, you need to find god
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
