Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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