Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
