Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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