She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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