I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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