made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
