I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
