Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
