Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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