We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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