Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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