So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
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