last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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