The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
