for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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