i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
