My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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