did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
