All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
