dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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