I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
