It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
