Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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