When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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