He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
