My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
