i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
