For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
